Some days, I get to a point where all I have seen and heard in the past days, weeks, or months comes flooding into my consciousness in a wave of pure emotion. Suddenly, all of the things I’ve been dealing with in my mind unexpectedly grab my heart, and I find myself reeling from the shock of it.
My mind races with faces and places and human suffering I have seen. Something is awakened deep inside of me – something too emotional and too close to the center of who I am – and it begins to gnaw at me until my heart gets so twisted up that I want to curse and cry and yell and punch things. Then, I feel like I just want to look away – to do something to numb the pain. I understand why people turn to food, alcohol, bad relationships, more work, drugs… or just mindless media to try to silence the torrent inside.
I am so thankful for Holy Spirit’s presence with me in these moments. Without Him, the ache would be too much. He never forces His way into these experiences, but I sense His presence, like He is standing with me in my stormy soul, gazing with me into the turmoil. When I recognize His presence, I can choose to welcome Him into my messy moment or shut Him out.
Of course, I want to welcome Him in. I long to walk through these times with Him. If God is my Creator, my Redeemer, and my Helper, why wouldn’t I want Him to discover me in my mess and join me there? That He even cares enough to show up in my life at all leaves me in awe – but that Jesus left His Spirit to talk with me, walk with me, comfort and encourage me personally? I’m lost for words.