Can I make a confession? Silly that I’m asking, because I’m confessing whether you like it or not.
Yesterday evening, I was gearing up for my time with Jesus when I suddenly felt like a huge brick wall dropped on me. I was exhausted all of the sudden- my eyes couldn’t stay open- my body felt like lead. It was out of the flipping blue, and I knew it was something I just needed to press through… it was totally spiritual (and probably a tad bit natural, too, I guess)… but instead of just asking God to extend the grace I needed to press into His presence, I curled up in bed and set my alarm for the morning hours.
So- fast forward to the morning hours. I wake up, and STILL that same exhaustion is all over me. I let the dog out – who sneaked into my room last evening and had been sleeping under my bed all night – and try, quite unsuccessfully, to turn my mind to prayer and worship. The next thing I know, I’m again putting myself into bed… the sun’s not quite up… give yourself a few more hours…
I don’t want to sound crazy intense or anything- and maybe you’re spiritual walk isn’t like this- but I find that when I give my flesh an inch, it wants a mile. Well, it took about a mile and a half.
Waking up a few hours later, the sun was out, the kids were off to school, and I had to make a choice.
1) Kick myself all over town about my weakness… OR…
2) Confess my weakness and lean into His strength for the day.
I chose the later, because I know from experience that kicking myself around all day gets nobody anywhere. I did manage to have some time with the LORD. It was precious, but it was way too abbreviated… my own fault… but I’m not kicking… so let’s move on…
All right, so, I get some great time praying for one of our little babies, running errands for Michele, doing some administrative stuff, and when lunch comes, I get a headache.
(Let me add here that if I were more attuned at this point, I would have recognized that God was going to do lots of cool stuff because there was lots of resistance… but… whatever… I wasn’t more attuned…)
On the afternoon docket was a trip to the hospital to visit our ailing baby and then an English lesson with my dear Chinese friend. I knew that I had to go to the hospital. Michele had asked me to go, and I knew someone needed to check up on the little guy’s condition… and talk to the doctors if things weren’t improving… BUT, I didn’t really need to go to English class, did I? I could just call her and say, “I’m still bouncing back from malaria, so I think I’ll rest this afternoon…” It’s just an English class anyway. Not the end of the world.
Well, praise Jesus that I was already on my motorbike into town as these thoughts were racing through my head. Maybe it’s laziness or inertia or something, but I usually don’t change the plan once I’ve started… someone else can change it. That’s fine… but if it’s just me, usually I just keep trucking.
But, the headache was dumb. I began thanking God for allowing me to walk in divine health- even though my health didn’t feel quite divine at the moment- I believed reality would follow the truth. So, I stated the truth, and believed the other things would change to catch up.
At the hospital, I was amazed to find a lucid baby! He is still skeletal and pathetic looking, but he’s lucid! He looked into my eyes! He grabbed my fingers! He was responsive! We’re talking about a baby who has been so sick that his eyes have been rolled back in his head most of the time… this was HUGE.
So, I left the hospital feeling greatly encouraged, and thanking the LORD for giving me the grace to get through English class. (The headache was much improved by this point, by the way).
Ok- English class wasn’t too amazing, but after class, we began talking about boys. That conversation moved into deeper conversation… until she was asking me all kinds of questions about God- especially about dreams and visions! We were able to open Scripture together and walk through some foundational stuff about the Gospel- this is a young woman who knew nothing about God, having been raised in an atheistic nation. Her questions were so perceptive. She immediately understood that the pure in heart are the only ones who can see God, to which she frowned and shook her head, saying, “My heart is so dirty!” I jumped on that to tell her how God knew our hearts were dirty- and that is what kept us far from relationship with Him. But, He loved us so much that He sent His son to earth to cleanse our hearts and enable us to see God again! I wish you could have seen her face when she said, “God has a son?! He sent him here?!” So, after looking at some Scriptures about Jesus, I passed off my copy of the Jesus Film to her. She’s going to watch it to learn who the Son of God is. To learn what God is like.
Ahahaha! 🙂 And to think that the idiot devil almost stopped me from coming to English class for a little headache- which is long gone now anyway… Our God is so gracious. In our weakness, He gives us His strength through His all sufficient grace. Don’t you love Him sooooo much?!